“No More Running, No More Hiding”

February 10, 2012

As you saw in my last ledger entry, and as you may have seen in my tweets this week, I have continued to do a lot of soul searching. Life again seems to be teaching me more than I expected, and I have now realized what I must do.

When I really put myself on the internet as Linear Ranger years ago, it was always meant as a strong persona to hide behind. I never gave my full real name, and if anyone ever asked, I just simply answered my name was Ryan. I avoided almost all forms of social media, simply to keep my past from ever finding me. I only joined Twitter because I felt I had the most control over it & what I put out for anyone to find & read.

I never wanted to look back at my past, and even when I did, I only concentrated on the negative and all my anger and bad feelings. I was never strong enough to look myself in the eye and admit that in a number of ways, I was wrong. Yes, everything does indeed happen for a reason. I may never know the true reason for those events happening. However, that does not take away from the fact that it was my actions that brought many of those events about.

For over nine years I have had the attitude of “I can take on the world alone.” I didn’t need anyone, I was strong enough. Yet I had so much negative feelings inside me. Granted it was never to a level of violence or depression, but the emotions were still there, hiding deep in my heart, even if I did not want to admit it.

When I turned 28 a couple of weeks ago, something changed. Some part of my way of thinking or my soul just clicked. I realized I had spent far too much time with anger inside me. As the week of soul searching and pondering began last week, I thought my ledger about no longer holding onto those bad feelings would help me, and it did. But there was still something hanging on. It was the fact that I was still running and hiding.

I still did not want to look inside myself and admit, I was afraid. I was afraid to look at my past, smile at the good times and admit my guilt for the hurtful things I had done. I did things I am not proud of. I hurt feelings and, at times, was too self absorbed. I still say part of this was due to my emotions & my teenage thought processes were not exactly clear years ago, but that does not absolve me completely of the actions. It also is no excuse for not taking responsibility and apologizing.

Now, I am ready. Once more I know the likelihood of anyone from my past actually reading this is slim, but I need to say this. I did things that were wrong. I did things I am not proud of. I hurt people, and by hurting others, I in turn hurt myself. I said this many times years ago, but I have never meant it any more than I mean it now, I am sorry. I can not change the past. However, I can tell you this.

From here forward, there is a new Linear Ranger, there is a new Ryan. A man who is willing to face his past, present & future head on. A man who is not going to make excuses. I take responsibility for all my actions. I know I have made mistakes, and I know I will make more in the future. The difference this time however is that I will learn from these mistakes.

Some may think I am going back on my “Never doubt the past, and do not let the past make you doubt yourself” advice. I am not. My actions in the past, for better or worse, did have to happen, I do not doubt that. I may not like it, but I do not doubt it. I do not doubt myself either. I may not have been the best person, but I was the person I was meant to be, and moving forward, I can only be better because of the person I once was. I am learning from my errors, and vowing to be a better man.

So here I am, the new Ryan, the eternal optimist, and the true believer that Nothing Is Impossible.

“I’ve been running.

Faster than I’ve ever run.

And I’ve been running my whole life.

Now it’s time for me to stop.”

                                                                        The 11th Doctor



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