“Never Doubt the Past”

February 4, 2012

Isn’t if funny how life goes about teaching us lessons? Sometimes it takes weeks, months or even years for the lesson to be learned and sink in. But there are times that it only takes a day or two. Both of these were the case for me this week, but it was one heck of a roller coaster ride.

This past week I went about with my usual extensive house cleaning. This is where I go through my collection, desk, storage areas and more. I cleaned my collection, moved things around, and went through my desk drawers. This is perhaps where it all started. While cleaning out the filing drawer, I found a file folder with only a few papers in it. Now since it had been at least year since I last went through this drawer, my mind was blank on what this folder was for, let alone it’s contents. So letting my curiosity take over, I opened the folder. There it was, the stone cold reminder of how my life completely changed just over nine years ago.

Perhaps I should give a bit of backstory. If you follow me on Twitter or have read any of my Webmaster pages, then you probably have a good idea that I am a solitary person. Heck, I even stated in my 28 nerdy facts entry that I don’t have friends, I just have toys. Well. . .that’s not always been exactly accurate. *waits for readers to gasp* You see back in high school I did have what most would consider friends; three main friends to be specific. However, as of January 4, 2003, that came to an end. Due to events that had transpired, things soon led to a falling out with two of the four friends, though it was primarily directed at the instigator of said events. I had received an e-mail telling me basically what a horrible friend & person I had become by the end of 2002. I was told I was whiney & of another friend, quote, “she can’t stand you”.

Now for a tiny bit of perspective, 2002 had been a really difficult year. I lost my grandfather & my dad has lost his job of 27 years, forcing him to start over from scratch. So yeah, by the end of the year, my emotions & thought processes may have not been exactly pristine. Now does that mean the accusations against me were accurate? On some level, perhaps. In the larger sense, I do not think I was entirely at fault.

Well on that fated day of January 4, 2003, that e-mail arrived in my inbox. My response was. . .let’s burn some bridges. I did just that. My reply to said e-mail laid it all out, and in my own way I stated that I no longer needed anyone. It was time for me to take on life on my own, without any friends. Now I did actually stay in contact with the thrid friend, who did not share the feelings expressed in the email. I continued to have contact with the third friend until about 2010. Though the friendship declined to a state of just speaking on the phone once or twice a year. Just really more of a pen pal relationship.

And so life moved on. I journeyed on, only looking back to think how foolish I was to ever think I could ever have friends. Did you ever wonder where the “Hateable”  part in my Ugly Hateable Nerd nickname came from? Well, this was a large key part of it.

Back to discovering the folder containing that moment of destiny. I did not read the e-mail in its entirety, as I had done so many times before. I shook my head, remembering that day, and returned the folder to the drawer. Upon further thought, perhaps I should tape the folder shut and mark it with the bold words “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL DOOMSDAY!”

So I moved on with my usual cleaning and thought nothing more about the email. But it seems life & my subconscious had other plans. It took a couple of days, but I believe my past caught up with me in my dreams. From out of no where I experienced two consecutive nights of dreams that brought my past and those friendships right back into my main thoughts. After the first night I was able to shrug it off thinking it was just a one time thing. But after the second night, I decided it was time for some serious thinking & researching.

Now I have always been a subscriber to the belief instilled into me, all thanks to Dr. Venkman’s words in Ghostbusters:

“For whatever reasons Ray,

Call it fate, call it luck, call it karma

I believe that everything happens for a reason.”

I hold this statement as one of the great guides in my life. However, being human, I am also prone to a great series of what-if scenarios. So began the all day series of wondering if I had made a drastic mistake. While the author of the original e-mail may not be one I would have continued being friends with, what of the one that I was told could not stand to be around me? After all, the author also said that the third friend was sick of me as well, which when I asked that friend about, they completely dined, saying the author did not know what he was talking about. So, was I wrong? Had I taken the wrong path in life? Should I have actually given the other friend the same chance I had given the third, and asked them if they could or could not stand me? And the main question that I continued to ponder of, how different would my life be today, had I let me emotions cool and taken a different approach?

When you begin to wonder where your life might be had you taken another road, there’s not much more you can get done that day. Keep in mind, this was a moment that altered my life. It was not small by any measurement. No that one day changed forever how I approached life. What, you thought I have always believed I was destined never to be loved? Simple answer, no. *waits for the readers to gasp once more* Yes, I do have a heart and at one time did feel like I too could be like so many others, and fall in love. But I throughly believe that time has passed.

So with all this pondering, of course I could not help myself but think what it would be like to go back and change my own history. Yes, I know, I know. There are rules with time travel, not to mention the potentially world ending paradoxes that might result, all depending on how you view time. Though from a non-linear, non-subjective view point, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey. . .stuff. And from that thinking I continued to wonder.

But knowing I lack an actual real Tardis (a functioning one at least), I had to move onto what could I do now. Thus a new question came to me. Is it ever too late to say I’m sorry? I gave this a great deal of consideration. In fact up until last night, this entry was going to be VERY different. So what changed the course of this entry? Well, you know the internet is quite the tool when trying to find those from your past, especially when people use social media so freely. It is a plus when those same individuals openly list where they once lived, and where they live now. I even learned a little secret to searching tool. While you may be able to lock your personal social media page, greatly limiting what random people can see, Google Image Search may not be held to the same rules. There came the all the answers I sought. For in many ways, you can tell much about a person by the friends they keep, even online.

So there before my eyes were the answers. Yes, while I had moved on, the e-mail author, and the friend that could not stand me had remained in touch & friends. All the pondering, wondering, considerations, and contemplations ceased. I knew then, everything had happened as it was always meant to. They were all where they were meant to be, and so was I. Yes, I was always meant to be the person I am at this very moment, the nerd with a website who sits alone. You know what? I’m good with it too.

While the overall chances of those past friends ever actually reading this are extremely slim. I do think it necessary to pass on my feelings I have for them. I’m sure this is where my readers are thinking, “Oh boy Linear is going to really lay into them.” Or perhaps, “Let them have it Linear, they hurt you, give it right back to them.” The truth is readers, just imagine Linear Ranger walking up before an audience, and before speaking, I power down.

These words do not come from the Linear Ranger persona. These thoughts & feelings come from Ryan. The one that at one time was friends with people. To both of these individuals, I am proud of both of you. I hope life has been great for you. I hope there are many more joys & wonderful experiences that lay in store for you all. No, I am not being sarcastic. Nor am I doing this in any hopes of hearing from you again, or hoping for redemption. I have realized my feelings of hurt & anger have not helped me in life. So from here onward, I wish you all the best. We had our time, and that time was only meant to last for so long. The experiences we all shared were all ones that were meant to happen in our lives, and for the impact you all had on my life, I thank you.

*snaps fingers to get my readers back to normal* Yeah, I know you likely did not see that coming did you? Well, it is the truth. Feelings of anger over past events do not really get you any further in life. If anything, they hold you back and keep you from being everything I want to be.

Now to draw this entry to a close. I leave you with the lesson life taught me from all this. Never doubt the past, and do not let the past make you doubt yourself.

Have a Nice Day


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